Thursday, May 29, 2008

Divine espousal - וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי

On any given morning, as one wraps the straps of the tefillin around one’s fingers, the following verses, drawn from the second chapter of Hosea, are recited:

וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי לְעוֹלָם
וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי בְּצֶדֶק וּבְמִשְׁפָּט וּבְחֶסֶד וּבְרַחֲמִים
וְאֵרַשְׂתִּיךְ לִי בֶּאֱמוּנָה וְיָדַעַתְּ אֶת־ה
I will espouse you forever;
I will espouse you with righteousness and justice, kindness and mercy;
I will espouse you with faithfulness,
and you will know God. (vv. 21-22)

If the point of the prophet is that God will reconcile with Israel and espouse her once again after her faithlessness, what is the function of all these nouns?

I have said these words daily for years, and I have thought about them time and again, both in the context of my practice and in study. What I have discovered over time is that these verses are tightly constructed to provide the necessary elements for developing an intimate relationship, not only between a Jew and God, but also between loving partners.

The first element is time. A relationship does not come with an expiration date; it does not spoil like milk in a bottle, and it does not need to be renewed like a driver’s license. A relationship is eternal and continual; it takes time to develop and requires commitment and work, and it builds upon experience, some good, but also some which is not good. The commitment of eternity demands that we not just look at the good, but that we work through that which is not - I don’t use the term “bad” here because with the right care and nurturing, even the bad can be turned into a positive, growing experience.

Next comes two couplets: צדק - righteousness and משפט - justice, חסד - kindness and רחמים - mercy. (The Hebrew words for each are not as easy to convey in English, and thus the translations are approximate.) On a cursory level, the members of each couplet seem redundant. Taken as a pair, צדק and משפט speak to the need for fairness, limits, and rules, but there is a difference. צדק is concerned with maintaining a fair balance and rectifying wrongs. משפט focuses on the actual rules with which the partners in a relationship must abide. צדק is the abstract, a mindset that enables the concrete משפט to function.

As for the second couplet חסד and רחמים are concerned with caring and emotional well being. חסד generally speaks to concrete acts of kindness, the embodiment of רחמים that is the abstract force for care and concern, its emotional underpinnings. As a pair, חסד and רחמים are both needed in a relationship. It isn’t just the acts of kindness or just the caring that matter, but the emotion and love that accompany those acts as they work in concert.

If we look at the way these couplets are laid out, we find the order is reversed: 

צדק
- fairness -abstract משפט - rules -
concrete
X
חסד
- actions - concrete רחמים - caring -
abstract

It appears that there is no prioritization here; all elements are needed in a healthy, growing relationship.

With time, right action and proper nurturing, confidence grows and אמונה, faith in each other becomes more deeply rooted. As we enter into a relationship, we do so with blind faith in the other. But just as a pot needs to simmer for the ingredients to meld into a soup, the same is true in a marriage.

The final element is דעת, generally translated as knowing, but better conveyed as intimate knowledge. My understanding of Genesis 4:1- וְהָאָדָם יָדַע אֶת־חַוָּה אִשְׁתּוֹ, “Adam knew Eve his wife,” is not simply a reference to sexual intimacy, but also emotional intimacy. They had experienced each other in their mastery over the garden, their failure, their duplicity, their shame and their pain. Emotional intimacy is achieved when partners are able to bare themselves and to see the other in their emotional nakedness, their ability to accept each other and themselves in each others’ presence, warts and all, and to find comfort and renewal in that presence.

Hosea begins with the story of the prophet’s marriage to Gomer. Despite her serial infidelity, Hosea loved Gomer. It was in the context of this tumultuous relationship that he prophesied about the reification of the relationship between husband and wife: 
וְהָיָה בַיּוֹם־הַהוּא נְאֻם־ה’ תִּקְרְאִי אִישִׁי וְלֹא־תִקְרְאִי־לִי עוֹד בַּעְלִי
And on that day, declares God, you will call me ishi (my husband=my man) and no longer will you call me ba’ali (my husband=my master). (v.18)
Hosea redefines the marital relationship, not based on economics, status, or subordination, but instead as a mutual covenant; equals, as partners in a loving relationship. Just as a man would refer to his wife as ishti, so a woman would refer to her husband as ishi, and no longer as ba’ali.

It is not happenstance that this chapter is recited shortly before we celebrate Shavu’ot, the festival that celebrates the revelation at Sinai. The marriage metaphor is often used in relation to Shavu’ot and the Sinai encounter; some synagogues place a chuppah on the bima, and some Sephardim have the custom of reading a ketubah before the Torah is read. Shavu’ot celebrates that initial encounter between God and Israel, joining each other lovingly and eternally.

Likewise, this passage makes for a suitable introduction to the book of Bamidbar. The nascent relationship between God and Israel is tested time and again throughout this book. Just as Gomer did to Hosea, Israel tested God through numerous rebellions and infidelities, and yet, God’s love of Israel never failed.

And every morning, we reaffirm that ongoing love between God and Israel as we wrap the straps of tefillin around our fingers like a wedding band, binding us eternally in a loving relationship between us and God.

Perhaps a similar ritual is called for in this day and age, where marriage has become so fragile, to reaffirm the love and commitment needed between spouses.